All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
