If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
