I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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