Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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