On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
