We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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