just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
