I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
