I'm going to jail i love you
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
