I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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