is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
