come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize