So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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