Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I think your dad took our porno
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
