I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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