look no pants
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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