then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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