I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
