can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
now i know why i became what i already was.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize