brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
