I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dick very happy bro
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
