Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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