Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
