I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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