can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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