So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
