I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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