Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
