Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
