i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
