Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
