he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
