Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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