There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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