Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Sext me about skeletons
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
