Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize