theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
