the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize