I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
