my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
