Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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