mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize