they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
