i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
