Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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