"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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