Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize