Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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