i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
