oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
