Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize