Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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