you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
