Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
