Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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