after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
