remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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