haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
