Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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