I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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