so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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