I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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