dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
