I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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