I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
