chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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