When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
